Women
are from Venus
I have a lot of female friends. I’m always asking them what they want in a man. They say the normal things: kindness, a sense of romance, a sense of humor. When I asked them, they said that age doesn’t matter, looks don’t matter and money doesn’t matter. So I say, “Does anyone want to marry an ugly, old guy who’s broke?”
When I was young, I used to go to bra burnings and ERA marches, and I guess that I’m a bit of a feminist. As W.C. Fields once said, “I’m free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.” While women are still bumping into the glass ceiling, their position has greatly improved since I was young. About 65% of the managers, executives and VPs where I work are women. When all is said and done, men still have the last word. It’s yes, dear.
I had a girlfriend once named Glenda Zimmerman. She got involved in the women’s movement and changed her name to Glenda Zimmerperson. If women ruled the world we wouldn’t have any wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. Women are lucky. They don’t have to worry about getting a man pregnant. A lot of people today are trying to highlight the differences between men and women with books like Men Are From Mars. Someone once said that women don’t want to hear what you think, they want to hear what they think, only in a deeper voice. Men and women sometimes have communication problems, but that’s true of all human interaction. Communication is one of the skills we learn here at TMs. It’s true that men are motivated by spatial circumstances. That means that they are trying to operate within the boundaries of physical law. Women seem to be motivated by emotional stability. That’s why it takes one of each to be complete.
I heard of this dumb study that says that women use their whole brain when listening and men use only half of their brain. Men use the other half to come up with excuses. You know what I think? I think that women only use half, too. I think that they are using the other half to memorize what men are saying so they can use it against them ten years later. When a man says “fine”, he means everything’s fine. When a woman says “fine”, she means “I’m really ticked off, and you have to find out why.” Sometimes it seems like women are speaking in secret code. I’d like to give you some tips on what women mean when they say something. When she says, “we need”, she means “I want something.” “Do what you want” means “You’ll pay for this later.” “Do you love me?” means “I’m going to ask for something expensive.” “How much do you love me?” means “I did something today that you’re not going to like.” “We need to talk” means “I need to complain.” “I’m not yelling” means “I’m yelling because I think this is important.” “No, really, pizza is fine” means “You cheap loser.” “I’ll be ready in a minute” means “I’ll be ready in an hour.” “Yes” means “no”, “no” means “no”, and maybe means “no.”
Men are worse. They love their cars and their money. These are some reasons men give for loving their cars more than women. You can drive your car anytime of the month. Cars don’t care how many other cars you’ve driven. When driving, you and your car arrive at the same time. Cars don’t care if you look at other cars. Cars don’t care if you look at car magazines. Your parents won’t keep in touch with your old car after you sell it.
I
was raised around a lot of women, and I’ve never had difficulty communicating
with them. Except for our
reproduction differences, we’re all the same.
We’re all the same species. In
the late ‘70s, there was a unisex movement where we were celebrating the
similarities of the sexes. You may
have heard the story of the radical feminist who got on a crowded downtown bus.
As she got on, a man got up off of his seat.
She pushed him down in his seat and yelled, “Don’t you dare patronize
me.” He shouted back to her,
“You’ve got to let me up, lady, this is my stop.”
And you’ve got to let me up, too because this is my stop.