MTM, TMs and HGs.  What shape are your manners in?  If you don’t mind your manners, it’s a sure thing someone else will.  You should know that bad manners can impede you career path.  Etiquette takes dedication and practice.  Every day we get up and go out into the world with various agendas.  If we didn’t have manners, we’d all be bumping into each other all the time.  Etiquette can be fun.  Peter Post says that watching the news on TV is good manners because it enables us to carry on interesting conversations.  The magic words, however, are still please, thank you and excuse me. 

The first thing to remember about etiquette is that we will make faux pas and other people will make faux pas.  Always ignore them.  Some people twist etiquette all around.  They try to make fun of people with poor manners.  They think it’s their duty to be snooty.  In her original 1952 edition, Amy Vanderbilt wrote:  “I believe that knowledge of the rules of living in our society makes us more comfortable, although some of the rudest and most objectionable people I have ever known have been technically the most ‘correct’”.  I must admit that I have been upset by some people’s lack of manners, and I have to constantly advise myself to be patient. 

You could fill a small library with the books that have been written on etiquette.  Tonight, I will be quoting from Sheila M. Long, Mary Mitchell, Emily Post, great-grandson of Emily Post, Peter Post and Amy Vanderbilt.  Some people think that chewing with their mouth closed, keeping their elbows off the table and raising their pinky are all that’s necessary to be considered well mannered.  Actually, there are numerous procedures and behaviors dictated for various situations. 

Tonight, I will just be quoting a very few dos and don’ts.  When dining, do not pick your teeth with a toothpick.  Use your tongue or excuse yourself and go to the powder room.  Do not spit out a fish or chicken bone directly onto the plate.  Do deposit the unwanted item on the tines of a fork and then discard on your plate to the left of your food.  Don’t slurp, smack your lips, belch or make any other unpleasant noises.  Don’t cut up your food all at once.  When you’re finished eating, don’t push your plate away or stack it.  Do place the fork with tines face down on the plate with the knife.  Don’t leave the table without saying “excuse me.” 

You could get confused at all the silverware in fine restaurants.  If you just use the silverware from the outside in, you’ll pretty much be safe.  For the record, on the right from the outside in are sometimes the cocktail fork, the soupspoon, salad knife, fish knife and meat knife.  From the left, salad fork, fish fork and meat fork.  In front of the plate in the center are the desert spoon and fork, to the left are the butter knife and dish.  To the right is the glassware. 

Tipping can be confusing in fine restaurants.  First, even if you’re going to use a credit card, carry some cash for tips.  The first person to tip is the maitre d’.  You should tip 10 or 20 dollars depending on the size of your party.  The best way to tip the maitre d’ is to fold a ten or twenty dollar bill in half, then half again and then half again so that the amount shows on both sides.  Put it in the palm of your right hand and shake hands with the maitre d’.  The bill will smoothly, almost magically, disappear during the handshake. 

A captain or head waiter, the person who takes your order, should get 5 percent of the bill in cash or specified on the bill if you use a credit card.  Your server should get at least 15 percent of your total bill according to the level of service provided.  Remember that your tip to the sever is usually divided among the entire service team which includes bartenders and bussers.  The sommelier, or wine steward, should be tipped 15 percent of the wine bill if he performs special services, such as helping you choose the right wine for your meal.  Check room attendants get one dollar per item. 

The word etiquette literally means “ticket” or “card” and refers to the ancient custom of a monarch setting forth ceremonial rules and regulations to be observed by members of his court.  As far back as A.D. 700 in Angle-Saxon times, consideration for others, as well as observance of a monarch’s rules, were part of etiquette. 

The writers I am quoting from tonight are all American.  Unfortunately, American manners do not always translate over to other cultures.  For example, some friendly gestures can be dangerous.  When traveling abroad, don’t make a circle of the thumb and index finger, don’t point with the index finger and don’t give a thumbs-up sign.  Don’t use a crooked index finger in a beckoning gesture.  Beckoning is done with the arm extended and the fingers making an inward sweeping motion.  Avoid clapping your hands or snapping your fingers to get the attention of a waiter or servant.  The “V for victory” sign is insulting in England and should be avoided altogether.  Sitting so the sole of your shoe is facing someone is considered grossly insulting in Asian countries and parts of the Middle East.  In some cultures, it is considered rude to engage in conversation with your arms folded over your chest or with your hands on your hips.

Foreign greetings can be bewildering.  First, leave the handshake at home.  When greeting Asians, a slight bow of the head is appropriate.  Most Latins are more accustomed to physical contact.  Even if you don’t know each very well, it’s polite to embrace.  Middle Easterners avoid body contact with the opposite sex, but persons of the same sex commonly hug when greeting each other.  When shaking hands with a Middle Easterner, be sure to not remove your hand too quickly.  People from France, Spain, Italy and Portugal greet friends by kissing on both cheeks.  Smiling is Americans’ way of being friendly.  In some Latin cultures, the smile may be used to say “excuse me” or “please”.  In some Asian cultures, smiling is reserved for informal occasions.  If you’re being formal, smiling would be considered disrespectful.  When Americans look each other in the eyes, it usually indicates sincerity.  Many Asians, however, avoid eye contact as a way to be respectful. 

The cell phone is a convenience that many of us can’t live without.  The first rule of cell phone etiquette is:  the person you are with takes precedence over the person who is calling.  When you’re with someone, don’t answer the phone.  Let your voice mail take it.  If you must answer the phone, tell them you’ll call back and end the conversation.  Don’t use a loud, booming voice when using your cell in public places.  Always turn your cell off or on vibrate at the movies, the opera and Toastmasters’ meetings. 

As Toastmasters, we would want to know the rules of toasting.  Some of these rules are:  never toast yourself.  If you are being toasted, sit, say thanks you but don’t touch your glass or drink.  You may toast the host in return, but the host should be the first one to toast.  Do not read a toast from a card.  Toasts shouldn’t last more than a minute.  Don’t clink glasses.  It’s an old custom having to do with driving away evil spirits.  You may toast more than one person.  You may toast a whole family or group.     

Etiquette crosses over into other fields.  In English grammar, it’s polite to place yourself last when you include yourself with a group of people in a sentence.  In Psychology, it’s impolite to say you’re mad when you mean that you’re angry or upset.  Don’t say you’re aggravated when you mean that you’re irritated.  Many of the laws of our government are based on courtesy.  Courteous people are law-abiding.  They obey all the rules and laws of the government whether they believe in them or not. 

In these modern times, many people live in a me-first world of instant gratification.  People with good manners live in a you-first world.  These days, many people are bending the rules and cutting corners.  It takes commitment to avoid such behavior.  There are indeed many rules and guidelines of etiquette.  You can study them for a lifetime and not know all of them.  The most important thing to remember is that etiquette is based on being congenial and considerate of other people’s feelings.  If you remember to always be congenial and considerate, you will be considered well-mannered.  MTM. 

copyright, Dan Marzec 2006
duplication or copying prohibited without express permission

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